I'm laying sprawled across my bed, bathed in sun, energy and motivation rattling the bars of the cage that keeps it locked away somewhere. I'm bored yet content, browsing blogs and stories when I come across something that gets my interest.
"Pick up the book nearest to you,
turn to page 45.
The first sentence describe
your sex life in 2012."
So I grasp the book closest to me; A Feast For Crows by George R.R. Martin, find page 45 and start reading.
"Naked in the sun, music playing in the tiled courtyard and the air was sharp with the smell of lemons and blood oranges."
You know what? That sounds pretty damn fine..
I wrote this list in December and I figured it would be time to take a look, see what I have achieved already and what I need to focus more on..
Also, add a few things..
X = done
Needs to be done: X Pay all old bills. X Help Felina through birth and motherhood for the first time and find good homes for the kittens
-Bring down my absence rate at school.
-Catch up on school work and home assignments.
-Pass at least two exams with good grades.
-Sort and organize the basement. X Get bookshelves and unpack the last boxes.
Goals: X Find good tenant for apartment upstairs(must love cats). X Pay and pick up Shirley in beginning of February
-Fix, fence in and redecorate garden before September
-Terrace
-Raised flower/herb boxes.
-Vegetable garden
-Fence
-Pond
-Have 1 full month with no sick-days from school before April. X Take better care of my health, body and looks. X Get in shape and lose 5kg. (Have lost 6 actually and plan to start taekwondo)
Dreams:
-Borrow my grandfathers summer residence for a week during summer with Angel and Jonas.
-Mini vacation in London with Jonas during summer or fall.
-Get lots of good beauty products, new make up and extensions.
-Lose 10 kg.
The invisible chain ties me in place,
bound to my comfort zone.
Stepping outside makes my heart burst,
with all the penned up fears luring beneath my pale skin.
A smile tugs at my lips while my reflection tells me "I'm fine",
even though the words feel like being stabbed in the chest.
Because saying "I'm not fine" feels ten times worse.
I wrote that a few days ago and has been debating weather or not to post it here..
Denying my state of mind is pointless by now, my appearance gives me away anyway. Getting up at 6 in the morning to put on a pretty face had never been my strong side and my lack of care for other people's thoughts of me, makes it easy to stumble out the door with hair in a messy bun, no make up, much too big men's shirt and untied shoes.
I haven't attended half my classes the past two weeks but the teachers don't dare bring it up, which pleases me quite a lot. Hope to surprise them by doing better than expected on at least two exams. English not being one of them, of course.
Most of the time, I'm in a fairly bad mood, very tired and just want to be alone which of course is never really possible.
I wish I could have a week or two in solitude. Just me, pen, paper, my favorite sweets, coffee and computer for reading and writing.
Also, I have decided to, at some point, start drawing self portraits showing my different moods and some of them will probably be very inspired by L Lawliet from Death Note.. Because I picture my bad moods much like him.
Oh and make no mistake..
I have no intention of staying all bitter and emo. I plan on clawing my way out of this dark hole I seem to have fallen into yet again. It doesn't matter how much I have to fight to get out, I will eventually. Currently, I use music as therapy, lyrics I can relate to. Mostly Glee versions. I love that show..
"Shake It Out"
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
The moving sands..
Even on the quietest of days, it moves forward little by little.
I feel like I'm stuck..
Like every time I take a step forward, I'm pushed right back.. Sometimes, I even manage to take quite a few steps before being forced back.
And yet, somehow, I still manage to move forward..
Since January, I've lost 5 kg by doing not much at all. That's good.
But I have to admit I want 5 more gone.
It's not that I don't like my body or anything like that, but I'm not entirely satisfied either.
I'm very focused on BMI, even if it isn't entirely correct. Mine is too high. Not alarming, you're fat high, but enough to be unhealthy.
The ideal number for me is 22..
2+2 = 4, 4x2 = 8... 8 is my favorite number..
To be healthy, you also need exercise, so I've been considering joining a Taekwondo club again.
It's 10 years ago since I stopped and I've missed it ever since.
The feeling of being strong, capable of self defense and in balance..
I'll spend the summer getting in shape, going to the gym with Ayla. I'll find someone who can babysit Angel every Tuesday and then I'll join a club when they start new teams..
120,- a month is not much to pay for practicing martial arts twice a week and I remember how quickly my body changed and adapted last time. Granted, I was a young teenager back then, but I know it'll be much the same this time..
Anyone up for joining me?
Oh, on a more posetive note, I've started drawing again. Fanart..
Currently, I'm working on two pieces. Scenes from my fanfic.
I'm rusty as hell but I really enjoy it and it does make me a little proud to see I haven't entirely lost my touch. They'll be posted on my deviantart once they're done along with some 'in-process' sketches.
I'm 24 now.. twentyfour...
That means I've lived for 24 years and honestly I can't decide weather I think it's a lot or a little when I look at the number.. It feels like such a long time and yet.. Like my life has only just really begun.. Like my past was just a book I read a long time ago.
I guess that means I've moved on..
The day was what I expected it to be. Unpleasant..
But at least I was only confronted with a 'happy birthday!*insert fake overly joyous smile*' once and spend most of the day alone, working on an English assignment about my internship and the company.
Today though, I stayed home, send my assignment and made cake. It's way too sweet. So I'll pour a rum and coke instead and think big thoughts about life..
I decided quite a while ago that I wanted this blog to be mostly positive and not too personal due to the people reading it. Some are too close to allow me the space to write whatever I feel like, others simply taker joy in the negativity. I don't care about the latter though. And I shouldn't care about the first.
But I do, because if I write something someone might find offensive, I'll be confronted and have to explain and defend not only my written words but also my emotions.
I'm considering getting an old fashion, paper journal but I have had some real bad experiences having those, people finding them, using my secrets and thoughts against me.
I'm considering making another blog and keep anyone I know irl out of it.. I have had some real bad experiences doing that, people finding them, using my secrets and thoughts against me.
I'm considering keeping documents hidden around on my computer but somehow people have managed to find those too..
See a pattern?
In irl, I can't talk to anyone about anything that's beneath the surface. This fact offend quite a bunch of people.
For years, I haven't been a very secretive person. I was an open book and didn't hide anything. If I was angry, I was angry. If I was sad, I was sad. If I didn't care, I simply didn't care. Not caring is a bad thing and a taboo, you can't not care without something being wrong with you. But that's just one matter among many I won't take up in this blog. Ever.
I seem to have forgotten why I started writing. How bothersome.
I'm exhausted..
The funeral was today.
Burying your younger sister really makes you think about your own life and how much you value it.
It was beautiful. There were a ton of roses and other flowers all over the isle. And so, so many people showed up to pay their respect and say goodbye, so many people who will miss her.
I was uncomfortable and shaking and everyone who hugged me, immediately started sobbing into my shoulder, despite my own lack of tears. I didn't really want to be hugged by anyone.
In the church, I couldn't help but stare at the casket and wonder how she looked like, lying there in the outfit that Niclas and I had picked for her. His favorite dress, the one she wore when they met.
I knew what she actually looked like but imagined her pretty and relaxed like when she was asleep in his arms.
And when the singer started singing Beautiful, the tears finally came.. Even Jonas cried. Everyone did.
Next time I see her will be when we put the urn in the ground, right next to our grandmother. Their names on the same stone. She would've liked that. It would mean a lot to her, I'm sure.
I hope her soul will finally find the peace it never did here on earth..
Edit:
If you get that offended that someone doesn't want to cry their heart out on your shoulder, you really need to check your shoe size 'cuz I think the ones you're wearing are too small..
