fredag den 23. marts 2012


The funeral was today.
Burying your younger sister really makes you think about your own life and how much you value it.

It was beautiful. There were a ton of roses and other flowers all over the isle. And so, so many people showed up to pay their respect and say goodbye, so many people who will miss her.
I was uncomfortable and shaking and everyone who hugged me, immediately  started sobbing into my shoulder, despite my own lack of tears. I didn't really want to be hugged by anyone.
In the church, I couldn't help but stare at the casket and wonder how she looked like, lying there in the outfit that Niclas and I had picked for her. His favorite dress, the one she wore when they met.
I knew what she actually looked like but imagined her pretty and relaxed like when she was asleep in his arms.
And when the singer started singing Beautiful, the tears finally came.. Even Jonas cried. Everyone did.

Next time I see her will be when we put the urn in the ground, right next to our grandmother. Their names on the same stone. She would've liked that. It would mean a lot to her, I'm sure.

I hope her soul will finally find the peace it never did here on earth..

If you get that offended that someone doesn't want to cry their heart out on your shoulder, you really need to check your shoe size 'cuz I think the ones you're wearing are too small..

søndag den 18. marts 2012

Another star in sky, another Angel in heaven.

Tanja 24.02.1990-18.03.2012

Despite her tough life, my sister was a great person with a beautiful heart.
I'm gonna miss her..

torsdag den 15. marts 2012

Broken Things

It's like a shattered mirror or a puzzle with a few missing pieces.
I keep looking for ways to put it back together, moving bits and pieces around.
My cold skin hides the sense heightening adrenalin rush.
A certain longing for uninterrupted subjects comes to mind but I focus on mending the cracks.
Aiming for my own sense of perfection, I accept that I will always want to fix the broken things.

onsdag den 14. marts 2012

Cursing in Japanese

Weather it was with the intention or not, it made the blood freeze in my veins and deep, almost forgotten hatred crawl under my skin.
A friend send a picture to show me her current crush. "The one on the far left" she said.
But I did not see that one...
Second, on the right. He seems to be doing well. Much too well for my liking.

Kisama shinde kudasai..
Sekai de ichiban daikirai..


I just ended a 5 days internship in H&M and it has been an absolutely amazing experience and ever so strong a motivator to get my stuff together and do better at school. That is what I want. And in order to get there, I need to focus on my education, do my assignments properly, turn them in on time and get my absence rate down by at least 50%.

I walked into the store at 10 am and was immediately greeted by the girls and showed around the offices, storage room, lunch lounge and departments. And then I was put to work, unpacking and inserting alarms in new clothes. I also got to try and put the clothes out in the store, but I doubt I was of any help. I almost got a hang of their brands and which departments they were in.

Got in at 8:15, started unpacking and doing alarms again. At 9:20 I got a vanilla latté from Baresso while the others had breakfast, they found it weird that I don't eat breakfast.
After that, I started hanging clothes in the store, went alot better this time. Probably because they gave me the easy stuff.
Lunch was a treat from the boss today, sandwiches and soda. They remembered I'd said something about liking systems, rutines and order the day before so in the afternoon, they asked if I would be interested in sorting and making some sort of system in their price/discount/sales tags until I got off at 16:00.

From 10 am to lunch I helped around the store and the fitting room and I felt a little bit lost and unable to keep up with the tasks in the fitting room. After lunch, one of the girls in charge of the kids and mens section who had also heard about my ability to sort and create systems asked if I would do her the favor of going through her part of the storage room with kids winter clothes. Took me little more than 2 hours and then I asked if I could go finish with the tags for the rest of the day.

I swear, they're aiding my OCD...
Got in at 10 and was asked if I could possibly fix their wall with hangers, make an easy system with the different types and for each department. I skipped lunch which seemed to confuse the girls a lot, they kept asking if I didn't want to have a break or something to eat. I didn't. Worked on the wall for 3 hours time while helping a little with the fitting room where, thank goodness, not much was going on. Then went to help out in the store again before Jonas and Angel came to pick me up at 5 pm. I bought a pair of shoes for me and for Angel before we went to get dinner at Sunset. My feet were killing me by now.

Got in at 8:15 and started unpacking and inserting alarms, after 9 it was only me and another girl who was really nice. We touched some really personal subjects and got to know each other quite well in the 3 hours we unpacked. I also kept an eye on the fitting room from 10 and from 12:30, I was in charge of that alone. And goodness was it a task! Apparently everyone decided to go shopping that day and despite my lousy appearance(Jonas shirt, knitted scarf, messy hair), someone actually asked me to help her find 10 outfits. Several people asked for my help about how the clothes fitted them, if it was the right colour and size etc.
At the end of the day, my body was pretty much screaming at me to stop and relax, not being used to the past 5 days hard work, walking/standing up/climbing latters for 7-8 hours a day and after receiving a "Thank you so much for all the help and we hope to see your application for a permanent internship at the top of the pile within long" and a gift certificate, I started walking towards the kinder garden to pick up Angel.. I was at the brink of tears the entire way, each step being more painful than the previous.
Despite that, it was an amazing week and I would love to do it again!

I was told I'm the most engaged, easy learning and hardworking interns they have had...
I'm more than welcome to come back next year for a weeks internship..
If I was interested, they would like if I would send my application for my 2 year internship after I finish school, a.s.a.p.

I am considering the next school-internship I have to go through, to be a 3 week one in London, though.
If I can make some arrangements with Jonas and the grandfathers with Angel, that is. It should be doable. She'll be 5½ by then, Jonas will be more comfortable with his role as a parent and should be able to do it and she will be more capable and have a closer bond with him.
Of course I'd miss her ever so much and Skype home constantly. But that internship would be an amazing opportunity and experience and a great asset to my education.
It's a year from now, though, so I have plenty of time to figure the details or change my mind a million times.