It's now 05:07 and it seems I'll be pulling yet another all night'er.
Seeing as tossing and turning is only fun for so long, I've prepared a small plate of cheese, crackers and fruit along with a cup of tea, and at the moment I can't decide weather it would count as a late night snack or very early breakfast.
Anyway, I decided to share some very good news with you.
Angel has been accepted to Skipper Clements International School!
She'll be starting in August 2013 and all of her education, except danish lessons, will be taught in english.
The school is part of University Of Cambridge International Examination Center which means they mostly follow the International Primary Curriculum. As in the all international examination system that is used in 150 different countries.
This school litterally opens up the world for her. When she's old enough, she can continue studying in any of the 150 countries if she pleases.
It's a private school and aside from the amazing education system and the oppotunities that follows, the teachers also seem really nice and engaged in the kids developement and the school has a zero tolerance policy for bullying. There's also a very close school-home cooperation.
I'm quite exited. I didnt think she'd get in because they have more than 120 candidates each year but only 22 seats in the class.
But she got in!
Oh and merry christmas, btw ^-^
fredag den 7. december 2012
torsdag den 29. november 2012
Your life has been put on hold, please wait..
Lets skip the formalities and get straight to it; I'm sick and tired..
No, seriously, I'm on sick leave with no expiration date.
It seems a suicide, losing a friendship with what I considered a best friend, case exams, Angel's kindergarden filing a notation because of her temper, a cancer death, ending up in yet another experimental class full of new people and projects and my school coach who I used to have weekly consultations with going on maternity leave, all of this in 5 months, was a little more than I could handle.
It started with small bursts of panic after my sister died. Whenever someone would ask me how I felt, If I was okay or tell me how sorry they were, my heart would start racing and I'd find an excuse to get away from them.
As more things happened, the feeling escalated and I didn't feel like being around people, I didn't feel like going outside at all. Every time I did, it felt like my heart would burst through my chest and the sky would come crashing at any minute. The world outside was uncomfortable and scary.
I was in a terrible mood most of the time and unable to sleep more than 2 hours at the time, if even at all. When I did sleep, I had nightmares.
The 5th of november, I went to see my doctor. I cried for the first time in months and I felt completely heartbroken as I explained everything to him. He gave me a hug and said he was glad I'd come, it was importent that I got help and treatment immediatly and that he would like to see me every second week and get me started on some meds for the panic attacks and depression.
He also signed me up for consultations with their psychologist. I'm really glad he's my doctor.
These days, I can barely get out the door. But the meds are slowly working and I have all the time in the world to get better.
Jonas is a great help with Angel and the house when I can't get my head around much and I can't even begin to express how grateful I am.
My mom has also offered to help a lot with Angel, so she doesn't just hang around the house with me. I want her to get out and have a good time and enjoy the upcoming christmas and experience a ton of fun and new things. Next week, she's going there for a small vacation. 5 days...
I haven't been seperated from her for 5 days since before I met Jonas.. But it'll be good for her. She might even get to see her cousine for the first time in almost a year!
My father's ex, Rikke also has her over once in a while and I like visiting her too.
The grandfathers want Angel this new years eve again and she's really looking forward to that. They visit some friends who have two older boys that she love to play with and the evening is very much centered around the kids having fun.
I think that was all for now so I'll take my meds, put on 'Vampire Diaries' and crawl under the covers..
No, seriously, I'm on sick leave with no expiration date.
It seems a suicide, losing a friendship with what I considered a best friend, case exams, Angel's kindergarden filing a notation because of her temper, a cancer death, ending up in yet another experimental class full of new people and projects and my school coach who I used to have weekly consultations with going on maternity leave, all of this in 5 months, was a little more than I could handle.
It started with small bursts of panic after my sister died. Whenever someone would ask me how I felt, If I was okay or tell me how sorry they were, my heart would start racing and I'd find an excuse to get away from them.
As more things happened, the feeling escalated and I didn't feel like being around people, I didn't feel like going outside at all. Every time I did, it felt like my heart would burst through my chest and the sky would come crashing at any minute. The world outside was uncomfortable and scary.
I was in a terrible mood most of the time and unable to sleep more than 2 hours at the time, if even at all. When I did sleep, I had nightmares.
The 5th of november, I went to see my doctor. I cried for the first time in months and I felt completely heartbroken as I explained everything to him. He gave me a hug and said he was glad I'd come, it was importent that I got help and treatment immediatly and that he would like to see me every second week and get me started on some meds for the panic attacks and depression.
He also signed me up for consultations with their psychologist. I'm really glad he's my doctor.
These days, I can barely get out the door. But the meds are slowly working and I have all the time in the world to get better.
Jonas is a great help with Angel and the house when I can't get my head around much and I can't even begin to express how grateful I am.
My mom has also offered to help a lot with Angel, so she doesn't just hang around the house with me. I want her to get out and have a good time and enjoy the upcoming christmas and experience a ton of fun and new things. Next week, she's going there for a small vacation. 5 days...
I haven't been seperated from her for 5 days since before I met Jonas.. But it'll be good for her. She might even get to see her cousine for the first time in almost a year!
My father's ex, Rikke also has her over once in a while and I like visiting her too.
The grandfathers want Angel this new years eve again and she's really looking forward to that. They visit some friends who have two older boys that she love to play with and the evening is very much centered around the kids having fun.
I think that was all for now so I'll take my meds, put on 'Vampire Diaries' and crawl under the covers..
onsdag den 5. september 2012
Followers..?
I've been wondering for a while how many, if anyone, actually follow this..
So if you do, please leave a comment!
It doesn't have to be anything special, just a 'Hi, I follow' or something.
So if you do, please leave a comment!
It doesn't have to be anything special, just a 'Hi, I follow' or something.
Thanks!
mandag den 27. august 2012
(not so)Short update.
So much have been going on and I want to write it all down, but whenever I try, the words seem to abandon me.
*My grandfather died two weeks ago. He was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of July, and after that it just went really fast, so he didn't suffer much.
I spend the last 3 days of his life sitting in a chair next to his bed at the hospital, holding his hand and I got to say a proper goodbye; how much he meant to me, he was an amazing grandfather and I loved him.
*I started school again but I've only been there for 4 out of 11 days because of the above written.
I was happy to discover that the leftovers from my old class have all been put in the new one too. Along with a bunch of teenage airheads, though, but I can live with that as long as I get to work mostly with Maria and Shirley.
The teachers, so far, seem pretty cool too and I will continue my weekly conversations with the school coach.
*Jonas and me are also trying to make the relationship more exiting and interesting again after a very boring routine seemed to have kicked in. We want to be better at talking, taking time for each other and do things together, like we used to.
So far, the talking and spending more time together has already improved and I'm loving it
*Angel is developing so fast and I can't believe she'll be in school in less than a year! Whenever we meet new people, they don't believe she only just turned 5 because she's so far ahead from many other 5 year olds(and she's tall as hell!). She speaks danish, obviously, but also know many english terms and scentences and often answer, in danish, a question I might have asked myself or Jonas, in english.
Here's a few of the things she can say:
-I love you very much!
-I'm thirsty.
-I know.
-Goodmorning/Goodnight
-she can count to 12.
-Here kitty-kitty.
-I want a kiss/hug
-yes/no.
If anyone is in doubt, I'm very proud of my daughter ^.^
*My grandfather died two weeks ago. He was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of July, and after that it just went really fast, so he didn't suffer much.
I spend the last 3 days of his life sitting in a chair next to his bed at the hospital, holding his hand and I got to say a proper goodbye; how much he meant to me, he was an amazing grandfather and I loved him.
*I started school again but I've only been there for 4 out of 11 days because of the above written.
I was happy to discover that the leftovers from my old class have all been put in the new one too. Along with a bunch of teenage airheads, though, but I can live with that as long as I get to work mostly with Maria and Shirley.
The teachers, so far, seem pretty cool too and I will continue my weekly conversations with the school coach.
*Jonas and me are also trying to make the relationship more exiting and interesting again after a very boring routine seemed to have kicked in. We want to be better at talking, taking time for each other and do things together, like we used to.
So far, the talking and spending more time together has already improved and I'm loving it
*Angel is developing so fast and I can't believe she'll be in school in less than a year! Whenever we meet new people, they don't believe she only just turned 5 because she's so far ahead from many other 5 year olds(and she's tall as hell!). She speaks danish, obviously, but also know many english terms and scentences and often answer, in danish, a question I might have asked myself or Jonas, in english.
Here's a few of the things she can say:
-I love you very much!
-I'm thirsty.
-I know.
-Goodmorning/Goodnight
-she can count to 12.
-Here kitty-kitty.
-I want a kiss/hug
-yes/no.
If anyone is in doubt, I'm very proud of my daughter ^.^
tirsdag den 31. juli 2012
I'm too old for this..!
I've had way too much time off this summer, but courtesy of some amazing people it has also been the greatest summer in many, many years..
And it ain't over yet!
lørdag den 21. juli 2012
5 years already
We went to Billund for the weekend and celebrated her birthday in Legoland and Givskud Zoo with my in-laws, everything being their treat(because we didn't go to Spain with them last month)
Angel had so much fun all weekend and got a ton of presents; a bike helmet, sandals, dresses, toys. And there's more to come yet, from the rest of the family.
I still owe her a proper birthday cake though.
Cute, isn't he?
fredag den 13. juli 2012
Crossroad
Interesting point of view I must say..
Few minutes later, she fell asleep lying on my legs, head resting on my backside
Anyway, I've found myself standing at a crossroad, trying to decide which way to go.
I'm changing again. My life is changing.
Where do I want to go from here and what kind of person do I want to be in the future?
I'm not sure yet, but I know, I'm already changing drastically and it's quite exiting.
I wonder who will be standing by my side a year from now; which people will still earn that spot and who will be lost along the way.
Hmm..
lørdag den 16. juni 2012
lørdag den 9. juni 2012
Like the sister I never was.
I'll be wandering the streets, lost in my own little fantasy, daydreaming..
A dress catch my eye, it's offwhite, short, with embroidery on the back and I can't help but think it would look so good on you.
I push it out of my mind and continue, buy a vanilla latte and a piece of cake, sit down in a corner, enjoying the lonesomeness for the short time I have. A whiff of perfume from a girl with blond and black hair like yours. She's even your height.
I find my notepad and start scribbling, working on some characters for a yet unknown story, make some notes about looks and personality traits when a picture slips out from somewhere. It's a set of angel wings I printed because I want to make a picture for your son; you as an angel.
I pack my stuff and leave, I need some air. But it doesn't matter where I go, you seem to be everywhere. In the brown eyes of a stranger on the street, in a pair of heels I adore in a window, in the flower store I walk by.
I should have taken you with me on days like this, I think you would have liked it...
I would have bought you that dress and a hot chocolate instead of coffee and I could have been working on a new tattoo for you. I should have told you how much I liked your brown eyes and how good you were with flowers and how I envied how you could walk in heels everyday.
I should have been your sister when you needed a sister. I should have loved you like a sister is supposed to..
A dress catch my eye, it's offwhite, short, with embroidery on the back and I can't help but think it would look so good on you.
I push it out of my mind and continue, buy a vanilla latte and a piece of cake, sit down in a corner, enjoying the lonesomeness for the short time I have. A whiff of perfume from a girl with blond and black hair like yours. She's even your height.
I find my notepad and start scribbling, working on some characters for a yet unknown story, make some notes about looks and personality traits when a picture slips out from somewhere. It's a set of angel wings I printed because I want to make a picture for your son; you as an angel.
I pack my stuff and leave, I need some air. But it doesn't matter where I go, you seem to be everywhere. In the brown eyes of a stranger on the street, in a pair of heels I adore in a window, in the flower store I walk by.
I should have taken you with me on days like this, I think you would have liked it...
I would have bought you that dress and a hot chocolate instead of coffee and I could have been working on a new tattoo for you. I should have told you how much I liked your brown eyes and how good you were with flowers and how I envied how you could walk in heels everyday.
I should have been your sister when you needed a sister. I should have loved you like a sister is supposed to..
søndag den 27. maj 2012
"-the air sharp with the smell of lemons and blood oranges."
I'm laying sprawled across my bed, bathed in sun, energy and motivation rattling the bars of the cage that keeps it locked away somewhere.
I'm bored yet content, browsing blogs and stories when I come across something that gets my interest.
"Pick up the book nearest to you,
turn to page 45.
The first sentence describe
your sex life in 2012."
So I grasp the book closest to me; A Feast For Crows by George R.R. Martin, find page 45 and start reading.
"Naked in the sun, music playing in the tiled courtyard and the air was sharp with the smell of lemons and blood oranges."
You know what? That sounds pretty damn fine..
I'm bored yet content, browsing blogs and stories when I come across something that gets my interest.
"Pick up the book nearest to you,
turn to page 45.
The first sentence describe
your sex life in 2012."
So I grasp the book closest to me; A Feast For Crows by George R.R. Martin, find page 45 and start reading.
"Naked in the sun, music playing in the tiled courtyard and the air was sharp with the smell of lemons and blood oranges."
You know what? That sounds pretty damn fine..
mandag den 21. maj 2012
Update on goal list for 2012
I wrote this list in December and I figured it would be time to take a look, see what I have achieved already and what I need to focus more on..
Also, add a few things..
X = done
Needs to be done:
X Pay all old bills.
X Help Felina through birth and motherhood for the first time and find good homes for the kittens
-Bring down my absence rate at school.
-Catch up on school work and home assignments.
-Pass at least two exams with good grades.
-Sort and organize the basement.
X Get bookshelves and unpack the last boxes.
Goals:
X Find good tenant for apartment upstairs(must love cats).
X Pay and pick up Shirley in beginning of February
-Fix, fence in and redecorate garden before September
-Terrace
-Raised flower/herb boxes.
-Vegetable garden
-Fence
-Pond
-Have 1 full month with no sick-days from school before April.
X Take better care of my health, body and looks.
X Get in shape and lose 5kg. (Have lost 6 actually and plan to start taekwondo)
Dreams:
-Borrow my grandfathers summer residence for a week during summer with Angel and Jonas.
-Mini vacation in London with Jonas during summer or fall.
-Get lots of good beauty products, new make up and extensions.
-Lose 10 kg.
Also, add a few things..
X = done
Needs to be done:
X Pay all old bills.
X Help Felina through birth and motherhood for the first time and find good homes for the kittens
-Bring down my absence rate at school.
-Catch up on school work and home assignments.
-Pass at least two exams with good grades.
-Sort and organize the basement.
X Get bookshelves and unpack the last boxes.
Goals:
X Find good tenant for apartment upstairs(must love cats).
X Pay and pick up Shirley in beginning of February
-Fix, fence in and redecorate garden before September
-Terrace
-Raised flower/herb boxes.
-Vegetable garden
-Fence
-Pond
-Have 1 full month with no sick-days from school before April.
X Take better care of my health, body and looks.
X Get in shape and lose 5kg. (Have lost 6 actually and plan to start taekwondo)
Dreams:
-Borrow my grandfathers summer residence for a week during summer with Angel and Jonas.
-Mini vacation in London with Jonas during summer or fall.
-Get lots of good beauty products, new make up and extensions.
-Lose 10 kg.
onsdag den 16. maj 2012
Poetry, L Lawliet, Moodswings, Music
The invisible chain ties me in place,
bound to my comfort zone.
Stepping outside makes my heart burst,
with all the penned up fears luring beneath my pale skin.
A smile tugs at my lips while my reflection tells me "I'm fine",
even though the words feel like being stabbed in the chest.
Because saying "I'm not fine" feels ten times worse.
I wrote that a few days ago and has been debating weather or not to post it here..
Denying my state of mind is pointless by now, my appearance gives me away anyway. Getting up at 6 in the morning to put on a pretty face had never been my strong side and my lack of care for other people's thoughts of me, makes it easy to stumble out the door with hair in a messy bun, no make up, much too big men's shirt and untied shoes.
I haven't attended half my classes the past two weeks but the teachers don't dare bring it up, which pleases me quite a lot. Hope to surprise them by doing better than expected on at least two exams. English not being one of them, of course.
Most of the time, I'm in a fairly bad mood, very tired and just want to be alone which of course is never really possible.
I wish I could have a week or two in solitude. Just me, pen, paper, my favorite sweets, coffee and computer for reading and writing.
Also, I have decided to, at some point, start drawing self portraits showing my different moods and some of them will probably be very inspired by L Lawliet from Death Note.. Because I picture my bad moods much like him.
Oh and make no mistake..
I have no intention of staying all bitter and emo. I plan on clawing my way out of this dark hole I seem to have fallen into yet again. It doesn't matter how much I have to fight to get out, I will eventually.
Currently, I use music as therapy, lyrics I can relate to. Mostly Glee versions. I love that show..
bound to my comfort zone.
Stepping outside makes my heart burst,
with all the penned up fears luring beneath my pale skin.
A smile tugs at my lips while my reflection tells me "I'm fine",
even though the words feel like being stabbed in the chest.
Because saying "I'm not fine" feels ten times worse.
I wrote that a few days ago and has been debating weather or not to post it here..
Denying my state of mind is pointless by now, my appearance gives me away anyway. Getting up at 6 in the morning to put on a pretty face had never been my strong side and my lack of care for other people's thoughts of me, makes it easy to stumble out the door with hair in a messy bun, no make up, much too big men's shirt and untied shoes.
I haven't attended half my classes the past two weeks but the teachers don't dare bring it up, which pleases me quite a lot. Hope to surprise them by doing better than expected on at least two exams. English not being one of them, of course.
Most of the time, I'm in a fairly bad mood, very tired and just want to be alone which of course is never really possible.
I wish I could have a week or two in solitude. Just me, pen, paper, my favorite sweets, coffee and computer for reading and writing.
Also, I have decided to, at some point, start drawing self portraits showing my different moods and some of them will probably be very inspired by L Lawliet from Death Note.. Because I picture my bad moods much like him.
Oh and make no mistake..
I have no intention of staying all bitter and emo. I plan on clawing my way out of this dark hole I seem to have fallen into yet again. It doesn't matter how much I have to fight to get out, I will eventually.
Currently, I use music as therapy, lyrics I can relate to. Mostly Glee versions. I love that show..
"Shake It Out"
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
tirsdag den 8. maj 2012
Råbjerg Mile.
The moving sands..
Even on the quietest of days, it moves forward little by little.
Even on the quietest of days, it moves forward little by little.
I feel like I'm stuck..
Like every time I take a step forward, I'm pushed right back.. Sometimes, I even manage to take quite a few steps before being forced back.
And yet, somehow, I still manage to move forward..
And yet, somehow, I still manage to move forward..
Since January, I've lost 5 kg by doing not much at all. That's good.
But I have to admit I want 5 more gone.
It's not that I don't like my body or anything like that, but I'm not entirely satisfied either.
I'm very focused on BMI, even if it isn't entirely correct. Mine is too high. Not alarming, you're fat high, but enough to be unhealthy.
I'm very focused on BMI, even if it isn't entirely correct. Mine is too high. Not alarming, you're fat high, but enough to be unhealthy.
The ideal number for me is 22..
2+2 = 4, 4x2 = 8... 8 is my favorite number..
To be healthy, you also need exercise, so I've been considering joining a Taekwondo club again.
It's 10 years ago since I stopped and I've missed it ever since.
The feeling of being strong, capable of self defense and in balance..
I'll spend the summer getting in shape, going to the gym with Ayla. I'll find someone who can babysit Angel every Tuesday and then I'll join a club when they start new teams..
120,- a month is not much to pay for practicing martial arts twice a week and I remember how quickly my body changed and adapted last time. Granted, I was a young teenager back then, but I know it'll be much the same this time..
120,- a month is not much to pay for practicing martial arts twice a week and I remember how quickly my body changed and adapted last time. Granted, I was a young teenager back then, but I know it'll be much the same this time..
Anyone up for joining me?
Oh, on a more posetive note, I've started drawing again. Fanart..
Currently, I'm working on two pieces. Scenes from my fanfic.
I'm rusty as hell but I really enjoy it and it does make me a little proud to see I haven't entirely lost my touch. They'll be posted on my deviantart once they're done along with some 'in-process' sketches.
fredag den 20. april 2012
Birthday..
I'm 24 now.. twentyfour...
That means I've lived for 24 years and honestly I can't decide weather I think it's a lot or a little when I look at the number.. It feels like such a long time and yet.. Like my life has only just really begun.. Like my past was just a book I read a long time ago.
I guess that means I've moved on..
The day was what I expected it to be. Unpleasant..
But at least I was only confronted with a 'happy birthday!*insert fake overly joyous smile*' once and spend most of the day alone, working on an English assignment about my internship and the company.
Today though, I stayed home, send my assignment and made cake. It's way too sweet. So I'll pour a rum and coke instead and think big thoughts about life..
That means I've lived for 24 years and honestly I can't decide weather I think it's a lot or a little when I look at the number.. It feels like such a long time and yet.. Like my life has only just really begun.. Like my past was just a book I read a long time ago.
I guess that means I've moved on..
The day was what I expected it to be. Unpleasant..
But at least I was only confronted with a 'happy birthday!*insert fake overly joyous smile*' once and spend most of the day alone, working on an English assignment about my internship and the company.
Today though, I stayed home, send my assignment and made cake. It's way too sweet. So I'll pour a rum and coke instead and think big thoughts about life..
søndag den 8. april 2012
Exausted.
I decided quite a while ago that I wanted this blog to be mostly positive and not too personal due to the people reading it. Some are too close to allow me the space to write whatever I feel like, others simply taker joy in the negativity. I don't care about the latter though. And I shouldn't care about the first.
But I do, because if I write something someone might find offensive, I'll be confronted and have to explain and defend not only my written words but also my emotions.
I'm considering getting an old fashion, paper journal but I have had some real bad experiences having those, people finding them, using my secrets and thoughts against me.
I'm considering making another blog and keep anyone I know irl out of it.. I have had some real bad experiences doing that, people finding them, using my secrets and thoughts against me.
I'm considering keeping documents hidden around on my computer but somehow people have managed to find those too..
See a pattern?
In irl, I can't talk to anyone about anything that's beneath the surface. This fact offend quite a bunch of people.
For years, I haven't been a very secretive person. I was an open book and didn't hide anything. If I was angry, I was angry. If I was sad, I was sad. If I didn't care, I simply didn't care. Not caring is a bad thing and a taboo, you can't not care without something being wrong with you. But that's just one matter among many I won't take up in this blog. Ever.
I seem to have forgotten why I started writing. How bothersome.
I'm exhausted..
But I do, because if I write something someone might find offensive, I'll be confronted and have to explain and defend not only my written words but also my emotions.
I'm considering getting an old fashion, paper journal but I have had some real bad experiences having those, people finding them, using my secrets and thoughts against me.
I'm considering making another blog and keep anyone I know irl out of it.. I have had some real bad experiences doing that, people finding them, using my secrets and thoughts against me.
I'm considering keeping documents hidden around on my computer but somehow people have managed to find those too..
See a pattern?
In irl, I can't talk to anyone about anything that's beneath the surface. This fact offend quite a bunch of people.
For years, I haven't been a very secretive person. I was an open book and didn't hide anything. If I was angry, I was angry. If I was sad, I was sad. If I didn't care, I simply didn't care. Not caring is a bad thing and a taboo, you can't not care without something being wrong with you. But that's just one matter among many I won't take up in this blog. Ever.
I seem to have forgotten why I started writing. How bothersome.
I'm exhausted..
fredag den 23. marts 2012
Roses..
The funeral was today.
Burying your younger sister really makes you think about your own life and how much you value it.
It was beautiful. There were a ton of roses and other flowers all over the isle. And so, so many people showed up to pay their respect and say goodbye, so many people who will miss her.
I was uncomfortable and shaking and everyone who hugged me, immediately started sobbing into my shoulder, despite my own lack of tears. I didn't really want to be hugged by anyone.
In the church, I couldn't help but stare at the casket and wonder how she looked like, lying there in the outfit that Niclas and I had picked for her. His favorite dress, the one she wore when they met.
I knew what she actually looked like but imagined her pretty and relaxed like when she was asleep in his arms.
And when the singer started singing Beautiful, the tears finally came.. Even Jonas cried. Everyone did.
Burying your younger sister really makes you think about your own life and how much you value it.
It was beautiful. There were a ton of roses and other flowers all over the isle. And so, so many people showed up to pay their respect and say goodbye, so many people who will miss her.
I was uncomfortable and shaking and everyone who hugged me, immediately started sobbing into my shoulder, despite my own lack of tears. I didn't really want to be hugged by anyone.
In the church, I couldn't help but stare at the casket and wonder how she looked like, lying there in the outfit that Niclas and I had picked for her. His favorite dress, the one she wore when they met.
I knew what she actually looked like but imagined her pretty and relaxed like when she was asleep in his arms.
And when the singer started singing Beautiful, the tears finally came.. Even Jonas cried. Everyone did.
Next time I see her will be when we put the urn in the ground, right next to our grandmother. Their names on the same stone. She would've liked that. It would mean a lot to her, I'm sure.
I hope her soul will finally find the peace it never did here on earth..
Edit:
If you get that offended that someone doesn't want to cry their heart out on your shoulder, you really need to check your shoe size 'cuz I think the ones you're wearing are too small..
If you get that offended that someone doesn't want to cry their heart out on your shoulder, you really need to check your shoe size 'cuz I think the ones you're wearing are too small..
søndag den 18. marts 2012
Another star in sky, another Angel in heaven.
Tanja 24.02.1990-18.03.2012
Despite her tough life, my sister was a great person with a beautiful heart.
I'm gonna miss her..
torsdag den 15. marts 2012
Broken Things
It's like a shattered mirror or a puzzle with a few missing pieces.
I keep looking for ways to put it back together, moving bits and pieces around.
My cold skin hides the sense heightening adrenalin rush.
A certain longing for uninterrupted subjects comes to mind but I focus on mending the cracks.
Aiming for my own sense of perfection, I accept that I will always want to fix the broken things.
I keep looking for ways to put it back together, moving bits and pieces around.
My cold skin hides the sense heightening adrenalin rush.
A certain longing for uninterrupted subjects comes to mind but I focus on mending the cracks.
Aiming for my own sense of perfection, I accept that I will always want to fix the broken things.
onsdag den 14. marts 2012
Cursing in Japanese
Weather it was with the intention or not, it made the blood freeze in my veins and deep, almost forgotten hatred crawl under my skin.
A friend send a picture to show me her current crush. "The one on the far left" she said.
But I did not see that one...
Second, on the right. He seems to be doing well. Much too well for my liking.
Kisama shinde kudasai..
Sekai de ichiban daikirai..
A friend send a picture to show me her current crush. "The one on the far left" she said.
But I did not see that one...
Second, on the right. He seems to be doing well. Much too well for my liking.
Kisama shinde kudasai..
Sekai de ichiban daikirai..
Internship
I just ended a 5 days internship in H&M and it has been an absolutely amazing experience and ever so strong a motivator to get my stuff together and do better at school. That is what I want. And in order to get there, I need to focus on my education, do my assignments properly, turn them in on time and get my absence rate down by at least 50%.
Monday:
I walked into the store at 10 am and was immediately greeted by the girls and showed around the offices, storage room, lunch lounge and departments. And then I was put to work, unpacking and inserting alarms in new clothes. I also got to try and put the clothes out in the store, but I doubt I was of any help. I almost got a hang of their brands and which departments they were in.
Tuesday:
Got in at 8:15, started unpacking and doing alarms again. At 9:20 I got a vanilla latté from Baresso while the others had breakfast, they found it weird that I don't eat breakfast.
After that, I started hanging clothes in the store, went alot better this time. Probably because they gave me the easy stuff.
Lunch was a treat from the boss today, sandwiches and soda. They remembered I'd said something about liking systems, rutines and order the day before so in the afternoon, they asked if I would be interested in sorting and making some sort of system in their price/discount/sales tags until I got off at 16:00.
Wednesday:
From 10 am to lunch I helped around the store and the fitting room and I felt a little bit lost and unable to keep up with the tasks in the fitting room. After lunch, one of the girls in charge of the kids and mens section who had also heard about my ability to sort and create systems asked if I would do her the favor of going through her part of the storage room with kids winter clothes. Took me little more than 2 hours and then I asked if I could go finish with the tags for the rest of the day.
Thursday:
I swear, they're aiding my OCD...
Got in at 10 and was asked if I could possibly fix their wall with hangers, make an easy system with the different types and for each department. I skipped lunch which seemed to confuse the girls a lot, they kept asking if I didn't want to have a break or something to eat. I didn't. Worked on the wall for 3 hours time while helping a little with the fitting room where, thank goodness, not much was going on. Then went to help out in the store again before Jonas and Angel came to pick me up at 5 pm. I bought a pair of shoes for me and for Angel before we went to get dinner at Sunset. My feet were killing me by now.
Friday:
Got in at 8:15 and started unpacking and inserting alarms, after 9 it was only me and another girl who was really nice. We touched some really personal subjects and got to know each other quite well in the 3 hours we unpacked. I also kept an eye on the fitting room from 10 and from 12:30, I was in charge of that alone. And goodness was it a task! Apparently everyone decided to go shopping that day and despite my lousy appearance(Jonas shirt, knitted scarf, messy hair), someone actually asked me to help her find 10 outfits. Several people asked for my help about how the clothes fitted them, if it was the right colour and size etc.
At the end of the day, my body was pretty much screaming at me to stop and relax, not being used to the past 5 days hard work, walking/standing up/climbing latters for 7-8 hours a day and after receiving a "Thank you so much for all the help and we hope to see your application for a permanent internship at the top of the pile within long" and a gift certificate, I started walking towards the kinder garden to pick up Angel.. I was at the brink of tears the entire way, each step being more painful than the previous.
Despite that, it was an amazing week and I would love to do it again!
I was told I'm the most engaged, easy learning and hardworking interns they have had...
I'm more than welcome to come back next year for a weeks internship..
If I was interested, they would like if I would send my application for my 2 year internship after I finish school, a.s.a.p.
I am considering the next school-internship I have to go through, to be a 3 week one in London, though.
If I can make some arrangements with Jonas and the grandfathers with Angel, that is. It should be doable. She'll be 5½ by then, Jonas will be more comfortable with his role as a parent and should be able to do it and she will be more capable and have a closer bond with him.
Of course I'd miss her ever so much and Skype home constantly. But that internship would be an amazing opportunity and experience and a great asset to my education.
It's a year from now, though, so I have plenty of time to figure the details or change my mind a million times.
Monday:
I walked into the store at 10 am and was immediately greeted by the girls and showed around the offices, storage room, lunch lounge and departments. And then I was put to work, unpacking and inserting alarms in new clothes. I also got to try and put the clothes out in the store, but I doubt I was of any help. I almost got a hang of their brands and which departments they were in.
Tuesday:
Got in at 8:15, started unpacking and doing alarms again. At 9:20 I got a vanilla latté from Baresso while the others had breakfast, they found it weird that I don't eat breakfast.
After that, I started hanging clothes in the store, went alot better this time. Probably because they gave me the easy stuff.
Lunch was a treat from the boss today, sandwiches and soda. They remembered I'd said something about liking systems, rutines and order the day before so in the afternoon, they asked if I would be interested in sorting and making some sort of system in their price/discount/sales tags until I got off at 16:00.
Wednesday:
From 10 am to lunch I helped around the store and the fitting room and I felt a little bit lost and unable to keep up with the tasks in the fitting room. After lunch, one of the girls in charge of the kids and mens section who had also heard about my ability to sort and create systems asked if I would do her the favor of going through her part of the storage room with kids winter clothes. Took me little more than 2 hours and then I asked if I could go finish with the tags for the rest of the day.
Thursday:
I swear, they're aiding my OCD...
Got in at 10 and was asked if I could possibly fix their wall with hangers, make an easy system with the different types and for each department. I skipped lunch which seemed to confuse the girls a lot, they kept asking if I didn't want to have a break or something to eat. I didn't. Worked on the wall for 3 hours time while helping a little with the fitting room where, thank goodness, not much was going on. Then went to help out in the store again before Jonas and Angel came to pick me up at 5 pm. I bought a pair of shoes for me and for Angel before we went to get dinner at Sunset. My feet were killing me by now.
Friday:
Got in at 8:15 and started unpacking and inserting alarms, after 9 it was only me and another girl who was really nice. We touched some really personal subjects and got to know each other quite well in the 3 hours we unpacked. I also kept an eye on the fitting room from 10 and from 12:30, I was in charge of that alone. And goodness was it a task! Apparently everyone decided to go shopping that day and despite my lousy appearance(Jonas shirt, knitted scarf, messy hair), someone actually asked me to help her find 10 outfits. Several people asked for my help about how the clothes fitted them, if it was the right colour and size etc.
At the end of the day, my body was pretty much screaming at me to stop and relax, not being used to the past 5 days hard work, walking/standing up/climbing latters for 7-8 hours a day and after receiving a "Thank you so much for all the help and we hope to see your application for a permanent internship at the top of the pile within long" and a gift certificate, I started walking towards the kinder garden to pick up Angel.. I was at the brink of tears the entire way, each step being more painful than the previous.
Despite that, it was an amazing week and I would love to do it again!
I was told I'm the most engaged, easy learning and hardworking interns they have had...
I'm more than welcome to come back next year for a weeks internship..
If I was interested, they would like if I would send my application for my 2 year internship after I finish school, a.s.a.p.
I am considering the next school-internship I have to go through, to be a 3 week one in London, though.
If I can make some arrangements with Jonas and the grandfathers with Angel, that is. It should be doable. She'll be 5½ by then, Jonas will be more comfortable with his role as a parent and should be able to do it and she will be more capable and have a closer bond with him.
Of course I'd miss her ever so much and Skype home constantly. But that internship would be an amazing opportunity and experience and a great asset to my education.
It's a year from now, though, so I have plenty of time to figure the details or change my mind a million times.
søndag den 26. februar 2012
I don't want to rule the world
-I just want to run my own life..
I'm currently stuck at this song, playing it on repeat.
Rolling In The Deep by Rachel and Jessie from Glee..
I find his voice so.. So incredibly sexy... In this song..
Anyway, we threw a housewarming party this Friday and it was possibly one of the most amusing parties I have thrown, if not the most amusing.
Aside from the mandatory drama that is. But that was fairly easy dealt with, non of my concern for the most parts.
Although I had to take Shirley to the vet around the time people started arriving.
I got to introduce some spiritual people to each other, weird people out with my sense of snacks when serving wasabi covered nuts, study people I haven't really studied before.
And again I managed to keep my alcohol intake at a moderate level, remembering to drink plenty water in between. But oooh the caffeine! I'm out of practice with that one, I must admit.
Barely any nudity this time, though. Not that I mind, it wasn't called for.
When the party died out in the early morning hours, I took the bespectacled youngster for a walk. I figured he could use the air and I find him quite interesting. His curiosity of everything and the fact that he really is one of the most intelligent yet blank people I have ever met(you're reading this; still no offence, it's rather adorable) is somewhat uplifting and exiting.
My Sunshine will be moving here in a month, to temporarily live at my couch until job and education has been acquired. It'll be good for her to finally move away from a place that brings her nothing but frustration and sorrow.
She has to change her way of seeing the world though, it's not as bad as she thinks. Life is not as hard if you don't will it to be.
Shirley is starting to settle in well. She got pink eye so I took her to the vet who has to be the most awesome vet I have met. Think we'll stick to them in the future.
Felina sleeps most of the day, her nipples are swollen and she will eat anything, even if I just fed her. This is a good sign, that means kittens soon enough.
At this very moment, I look to my left to see Jonas sitting with Felina on his lab, Dragon Ball on the screen, headphones in place and that content smile on his lips. I've been told he hasn't always been like this, he wasn't like this until he met me.. I like that..
I'm quite very lucky to have a man like him..
I'm currently stuck at this song, playing it on repeat.
Rolling In The Deep by Rachel and Jessie from Glee..
I find his voice so.. So incredibly sexy... In this song..
Anyway, we threw a housewarming party this Friday and it was possibly one of the most amusing parties I have thrown, if not the most amusing.
Aside from the mandatory drama that is. But that was fairly easy dealt with, non of my concern for the most parts.
Although I had to take Shirley to the vet around the time people started arriving.
I got to introduce some spiritual people to each other, weird people out with my sense of snacks when serving wasabi covered nuts, study people I haven't really studied before.
And again I managed to keep my alcohol intake at a moderate level, remembering to drink plenty water in between. But oooh the caffeine! I'm out of practice with that one, I must admit.
Barely any nudity this time, though. Not that I mind, it wasn't called for.
When the party died out in the early morning hours, I took the bespectacled youngster for a walk. I figured he could use the air and I find him quite interesting. His curiosity of everything and the fact that he really is one of the most intelligent yet blank people I have ever met(you're reading this; still no offence, it's rather adorable) is somewhat uplifting and exiting.
My Sunshine will be moving here in a month, to temporarily live at my couch until job and education has been acquired. It'll be good for her to finally move away from a place that brings her nothing but frustration and sorrow.
She has to change her way of seeing the world though, it's not as bad as she thinks. Life is not as hard if you don't will it to be.
Shirley is starting to settle in well. She got pink eye so I took her to the vet who has to be the most awesome vet I have met. Think we'll stick to them in the future.
Felina sleeps most of the day, her nipples are swollen and she will eat anything, even if I just fed her. This is a good sign, that means kittens soon enough.
At this very moment, I look to my left to see Jonas sitting with Felina on his lab, Dragon Ball on the screen, headphones in place and that content smile on his lips. I've been told he hasn't always been like this, he wasn't like this until he met me.. I like that..
I'm quite very lucky to have a man like him..
fredag den 17. februar 2012
-3 kg
I'm fairly satisfied with that.
I'm not there yet, but at least something's happening. I feel better. My clothes fits better.
We're picking up Shirley tomorrow. I can't wait to meet her, feel her fur between my fingers, hear her voice, see the soul that hides behind those moss green eyes.
I need to make some preparations before though, hide all electric cores, cover the cracks behind the book shelve so she doesn't get stuck. Stuff like that.
My Sunshine might move here sooner than planned. We're looking for jobs, I offered her my couch without time limit. She's talking to the schools about making the transfer.
The bespectacled boy is good for her, he's honest and kind. It's adorable when he takes in her scent and she freaks out from the intimacy.
I'm so incredibly scatter minded today, my head feels heavy, clouded.
Thank goodness this is the last day before spring vacation.
I'm not there yet, but at least something's happening. I feel better. My clothes fits better.
We're picking up Shirley tomorrow. I can't wait to meet her, feel her fur between my fingers, hear her voice, see the soul that hides behind those moss green eyes.
I need to make some preparations before though, hide all electric cores, cover the cracks behind the book shelve so she doesn't get stuck. Stuff like that.
My Sunshine might move here sooner than planned. We're looking for jobs, I offered her my couch without time limit. She's talking to the schools about making the transfer.
The bespectacled boy is good for her, he's honest and kind. It's adorable when he takes in her scent and she freaks out from the intimacy.
I'm so incredibly scatter minded today, my head feels heavy, clouded.
Thank goodness this is the last day before spring vacation.
mandag den 13. februar 2012
Don't Bang Denmark
This book is written by a dude who claims that Danish girls are masculine, hostile and unresponsive to normal compliments. They don't know how to flirt, they're boring in bed and accordingly have 'bodies like Pepsi cans'. They want to be strong and smart instead of sexy and alluring, they can't cook and have no humor.
Our teacher wants to anger the girls in my class and create debate and she succeeded.. Though I don't see why..
I can't help but pity the writer, what kind of women mustn't he have met..
But then again, looking at him, you're tempted to think women simply just didn't find him worthy of their flirtatious attention..
I just updated the kitties website because in less than a week, Shirley moves in and at this very moment, Felina is visiting a beautiful male called Izmir who is from the same lines as Enigma. So we're expanding the family quite a bit over the next couple of months, kittens are expected in week 16. Due date being my birthday actually..
So if you're considering a Maine Coon, keep an eye on the website!
Actually, I already have the first reservation. Ayla decided she's love a female from me and I would love for her to have one of my precious babies.
My sunshine is visiting, staying until the 25th. I haven't seen her since August and we've both had a lot happening in those 7 month passing. It feels good to have her back and it's obvious that it does her a lot of good too. And having the spikey haired, young gentleman visiting too only adds some extra +'es.
I can't remember when I last saw a 'couple' being so natural and cute together..
She really needs to move to Aalborg soon..
I've started drawing, but I can't seem to find the right mood which annoys me to no end. I have the picture in my mind, just waiting to be put down on paper, but it doesn't come as natural to me as it used to do when I was younger. It's been 2 years since the last drawing I made.
I used to draw constantly, my fingers almost a permanent shade of gray from the pencil. I miss that.
On the contrary, my fan-fiction is coming along nicely. I'm currently working on the 8th chapter and I plan on making no more than 10-11..
Think that was it for now..
But then again, looking at him, you're tempted to think women simply just didn't find him worthy of their flirtatious attention..
I just updated the kitties website because in less than a week, Shirley moves in and at this very moment, Felina is visiting a beautiful male called Izmir who is from the same lines as Enigma. So we're expanding the family quite a bit over the next couple of months, kittens are expected in week 16. Due date being my birthday actually..
So if you're considering a Maine Coon, keep an eye on the website!
Actually, I already have the first reservation. Ayla decided she's love a female from me and I would love for her to have one of my precious babies.
My sunshine is visiting, staying until the 25th. I haven't seen her since August and we've both had a lot happening in those 7 month passing. It feels good to have her back and it's obvious that it does her a lot of good too. And having the spikey haired, young gentleman visiting too only adds some extra +'es.
I can't remember when I last saw a 'couple' being so natural and cute together..
She really needs to move to Aalborg soon..
I've started drawing, but I can't seem to find the right mood which annoys me to no end. I have the picture in my mind, just waiting to be put down on paper, but it doesn't come as natural to me as it used to do when I was younger. It's been 2 years since the last drawing I made.
I used to draw constantly, my fingers almost a permanent shade of gray from the pencil. I miss that.
On the contrary, my fan-fiction is coming along nicely. I'm currently working on the 8th chapter and I plan on making no more than 10-11..
Think that was it for now..
tirsdag den 17. januar 2012
Obsessions
I will be the first to admit that I am easily lured into obsession..
Especially when it comes to books, Manga and Anime. But Trivial everyday things like make up also come to occupy my mind easily..
For the past two weeks, I have meant to write about several subjects. One being an amazing birthday party that the hippie held..
But I have been completely caught up in my own little world called Obsession.
First it was make up because I realized I barely had any anymore and I really wanted something proper this time.. So I started studying brands and tutorials to learn new looks(I swear to pixiwoo on youtube btw!). I've spoiled myself with some M.A.C eye shadows and Avon eyeliners. Have a ton of other things in mind I want to get over the next few months.
But make up is not what keeps me awake until 5 in the morning or make my fingers tingle to start working on a new project.
Bleach is..
We have now seen 297 episodes, have about 50 more before we've caught up on the newly released ones. I've started reading fan-fictions, studying fan-art and started some work on my own. I absolutely love it! I have not been this swallowed up in anything in years.
Unfortunatly, my lover is not used to seeing me like this, being completely ignores for hours at the time. I have to assure him, no I don't love him any less, nothing is wrong and I am not growing bored with our sexlife. I simply just like the Anime he insisted so hard I watched with him..
My rekindled hobby has caused some rather unfortunate comments on his behalf though, comments I find myself having a hard time letting go of. Apparently he has seen my attention, devotion and longing for him as me being dependent of him. And now that I'm not paying 120% attention to him at all times, I must've grown more independent..
Not to mention the comment about who or what I think about during sex.. urgh..
Anyway, I'm quite content and inspired these days, I have missed this so much..
Eventually, I will put my work online, writings on Fanfiction.net and pictures either here or Mediaminer.org. I have a ton of ideas already that I can't wait to share.
Especially when it comes to books, Manga and Anime. But Trivial everyday things like make up also come to occupy my mind easily..
For the past two weeks, I have meant to write about several subjects. One being an amazing birthday party that the hippie held..
But I have been completely caught up in my own little world called Obsession.
First it was make up because I realized I barely had any anymore and I really wanted something proper this time.. So I started studying brands and tutorials to learn new looks(I swear to pixiwoo on youtube btw!). I've spoiled myself with some M.A.C eye shadows and Avon eyeliners. Have a ton of other things in mind I want to get over the next few months.
But make up is not what keeps me awake until 5 in the morning or make my fingers tingle to start working on a new project.
Bleach is..
We have now seen 297 episodes, have about 50 more before we've caught up on the newly released ones. I've started reading fan-fictions, studying fan-art and started some work on my own. I absolutely love it! I have not been this swallowed up in anything in years.
Unfortunatly, my lover is not used to seeing me like this, being completely ignores for hours at the time. I have to assure him, no I don't love him any less, nothing is wrong and I am not growing bored with our sexlife. I simply just like the Anime he insisted so hard I watched with him..
My rekindled hobby has caused some rather unfortunate comments on his behalf though, comments I find myself having a hard time letting go of. Apparently he has seen my attention, devotion and longing for him as me being dependent of him. And now that I'm not paying 120% attention to him at all times, I must've grown more independent..
Not to mention the comment about who or what I think about during sex.. urgh..
Anyway, I'm quite content and inspired these days, I have missed this so much..
Eventually, I will put my work online, writings on Fanfiction.net and pictures either here or Mediaminer.org. I have a ton of ideas already that I can't wait to share.
Edit: Having psycoloqy classes while writing this, results in some weird self analysing.. I should probably avoid that in the futur..
mandag den 2. januar 2012
New years eve 2011-2012
Even though it's just the three of us, we've still decided to make it fancy.
Starter - Shrimp Coctail
I used this recipe but replaced the creme fraise with low fat Greek yoghurt(2%)
Main Course - Sushi
We've ordered the new years menu from SushiSushi.
Desert - Tiramisu w. Baileys
I used Gordon Ramsey's easy Tiramisu recipe which I found here and used Baileys instead of Marsala. And I made it the night before.
(I might add pictures later on if any of them turned out good)
It was absolutely amazing!
The day was quite relaxing, we got out of bed late and I had to go feed a friends cats and pick up the sushi. Jonas cleaned meanwhile so I could start making the shrimp cocktails when I came home. Angel was a bit weary and cranky all day, showed up she had a fever. She was ever so exited about the fireworks though!
We went outside a bit before midnight and I got the biggest, most intense kiss when the fireworks started. We only stayed out for about 10 minutes though, Angel and I doesn't fancy the loud noises that much. Besides, from our bedroom window, we could see half the towns fireworks and our neighbor sure went at it.
Angel was then put to bed and the rest of the night was spend watching Bleach and cuddling on the couch..
Not to forget the amazing sex early in the morning.
Back to Bleach.
For years I refused to watch it, claiming it would absolutely never win my interest. I'd seem a few minutes here and there and it did not seem the least bit appealing to me..
But Jonas managed to talk me into it. "Just a few of the first episodes and if you don't like it, I'll let it go."
Well needless to say I was hooked from the start.
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