bound to my comfort zone.
Stepping outside makes my heart burst,
with all the penned up fears luring beneath my pale skin.
A smile tugs at my lips while my reflection tells me "I'm fine",
even though the words feel like being stabbed in the chest.
Because saying "I'm not fine" feels ten times worse.
I wrote that a few days ago and has been debating weather or not to post it here..
Denying my state of mind is pointless by now, my appearance gives me away anyway. Getting up at 6 in the morning to put on a pretty face had never been my strong side and my lack of care for other people's thoughts of me, makes it easy to stumble out the door with hair in a messy bun, no make up, much too big men's shirt and untied shoes.
I haven't attended half my classes the past two weeks but the teachers don't dare bring it up, which pleases me quite a lot. Hope to surprise them by doing better than expected on at least two exams. English not being one of them, of course.
Most of the time, I'm in a fairly bad mood, very tired and just want to be alone which of course is never really possible.
I wish I could have a week or two in solitude. Just me, pen, paper, my favorite sweets, coffee and computer for reading and writing.
Also, I have decided to, at some point, start drawing self portraits showing my different moods and some of them will probably be very inspired by L Lawliet from Death Note.. Because I picture my bad moods much like him.
Oh and make no mistake..
I have no intention of staying all bitter and emo. I plan on clawing my way out of this dark hole I seem to have fallen into yet again. It doesn't matter how much I have to fight to get out, I will eventually.
Currently, I use music as therapy, lyrics I can relate to. Mostly Glee versions. I love that show..
"Shake It Out"
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
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